Facing Our Restlessness
Facing Our Restlessness
Sunday of the Fourth Week of Lent – March 22, 2020
Our current coronavirus-induced isolation has challenged us in many ways. Among the challenges, we are finding that when isolated from others, we have to befriend ourselves in new ways.
We also find that our usual ways of being productive are disrupted. We may not think of ourselves as geared for productivity . . . until we are forced into a more passive, isolated stance for a few weeks or months. We begin to say things like, “I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing anything,” or “I need to find some projects to keep me busy,” or “I get bored so easily.”
Especially in Western culture, we have internal wiring that equates personal worth with productivity. We assume that I am what I produce, that what I do defines me. Then, we are pressed into a situation in which our doing is more limited, and suddenly we find ourselves in a crisis of being.
Who am I? Why am I here? These are huge questions, fundamental questions to the very core of our personhood. And we usually believe we can answer them by what we do. But our contemplative spiritual tradition insists that who we are is not determined by what we do or produce, but by something more mystical and deeply ingrained within us.
This week our readings are from Esther de Waal’s book Living with Contradiction. She is a contemporary English spiritual writer who is well-versed in Benedictine spirituality (the spirituality shaped by Benedict of Nursia in the 6th century). Her book is an introduction to Benedictine spirituality.
Only when I face the fullness of my self can I rest in myself and present myself whole-heartedly to God. Yet I suspect that there are very few people who can easily accept themselves, even though I also know that this is one of the deepest needs of all. “A life without acceptance is a life in which a most basic human need goes unfulfilled”, writes Peter van Breemen. “Acceptance means that though there is need for growth I am not forced. I do not have to be the person I am not. Acceptance liberates everything that is in me. Only when I am loved in that deep sense of complete acceptance can I become myself.”
If I am appreciated for what I do, what I achieve, I am not in fact unique since someone else can do the same, and probably do it better than I. When my estimation and value of myself depends on what I can produce with my hands or with my mind, then in Henri Nouwen’s words I have allowed myself to become a “a victim of the fear tactics of the world.” This is the self that so often leads me into activity to prove my value. But if productivity becomes my main way of overcoming self-doubt I lay myself open to rejection and criticism, and so to inner anxiety or depression. I am constantly checking myself and my achievements. So my productivity really only reveals how much I am driven by fear of not being up to standard and by an insatiable desire to justify myself. It is only when I am loved not for [what] I do but for who I am that I can become myself, unique and irreplaceable.
[Esther de Waal, Living with Contradiction: An Introduction to Benedictine Spirituality (Harrisburg, PA: Morehouse Publishing, 1989), 1997.]
For Reflection:
o What I do in my life is important, but it is not who I am.
o I have an identity that is not tied to what I produce, how I achieve, or to the state of life in which I find myself. My core identity is tied to the heart of God, bound up with Jesus Christ.
o During these days of increased isolation and social distancing, I find myself separated from my usual social circles. How do I feel about this isolation? Do I feel the need to produce or be active in order to feel relevant or important?
Sunday of the Fourth Week of Lent – March 22, 2020
Our current coronavirus-induced isolation has challenged us in many ways. Among the challenges, we are finding that when isolated from others, we have to befriend ourselves in new ways.
We also find that our usual ways of being productive are disrupted. We may not think of ourselves as geared for productivity . . . until we are forced into a more passive, isolated stance for a few weeks or months. We begin to say things like, “I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing anything,” or “I need to find some projects to keep me busy,” or “I get bored so easily.”
Especially in Western culture, we have internal wiring that equates personal worth with productivity. We assume that I am what I produce, that what I do defines me. Then, we are pressed into a situation in which our doing is more limited, and suddenly we find ourselves in a crisis of being.
Who am I? Why am I here? These are huge questions, fundamental questions to the very core of our personhood. And we usually believe we can answer them by what we do. But our contemplative spiritual tradition insists that who we are is not determined by what we do or produce, but by something more mystical and deeply ingrained within us.
This week our readings are from Esther de Waal’s book Living with Contradiction. She is a contemporary English spiritual writer who is well-versed in Benedictine spirituality (the spirituality shaped by Benedict of Nursia in the 6th century). Her book is an introduction to Benedictine spirituality.
Only when I face the fullness of my self can I rest in myself and present myself whole-heartedly to God. Yet I suspect that there are very few people who can easily accept themselves, even though I also know that this is one of the deepest needs of all. “A life without acceptance is a life in which a most basic human need goes unfulfilled”, writes Peter van Breemen. “Acceptance means that though there is need for growth I am not forced. I do not have to be the person I am not. Acceptance liberates everything that is in me. Only when I am loved in that deep sense of complete acceptance can I become myself.”
If I am appreciated for what I do, what I achieve, I am not in fact unique since someone else can do the same, and probably do it better than I. When my estimation and value of myself depends on what I can produce with my hands or with my mind, then in Henri Nouwen’s words I have allowed myself to become a “a victim of the fear tactics of the world.” This is the self that so often leads me into activity to prove my value. But if productivity becomes my main way of overcoming self-doubt I lay myself open to rejection and criticism, and so to inner anxiety or depression. I am constantly checking myself and my achievements. So my productivity really only reveals how much I am driven by fear of not being up to standard and by an insatiable desire to justify myself. It is only when I am loved not for [what] I do but for who I am that I can become myself, unique and irreplaceable.
[Esther de Waal, Living with Contradiction: An Introduction to Benedictine Spirituality (Harrisburg, PA: Morehouse Publishing, 1989), 1997.]
For Reflection:
o What I do in my life is important, but it is not who I am.
o I have an identity that is not tied to what I produce, how I achieve, or to the state of life in which I find myself. My core identity is tied to the heart of God, bound up with Jesus Christ.
o During these days of increased isolation and social distancing, I find myself separated from my usual social circles. How do I feel about this isolation? Do I feel the need to produce or be active in order to feel relevant or important?
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