The Illusion of Being Lovable
The Illusion of Being Lovable
Friday after Ash Wednesday – February 28, 2020
Being lovable – the kind of person who will be loved – takes immense energy and attention. Humans of all cultures and races spend themselves on that which will cause them to be worthy of love in their particular context.
The radical notion of grace and God is that we are loved just as we are. We cannot do anything to be loved more. We cannot do anything to be loved less.
This notion is radical because it is a complete game-changer. If we could integrate this truth, letting it seep deep into our beings, we would cease playing so many of the self-referenced games we engage in moment by moment . . . the attention-getting games . . . the games in which we must pretty-up both our exterior (physical appearance) and our interior (secret and hidden) world . . . our fears of being unnoticed and underappreciated.
Again, read what Beatrice Bruteau wrote about loving and being lovable:
All this means three interesting things. First, we have no ground for feeling that God doesn’t love us because we’re not worthy. There is no connection between being loved by God and being in any degree worthy or unworthy.
Second, we may release our interest in, and desire for, being worthy, lovable, desirable. This has been a big item in our psychology, not to say our economic and social life, and has mostly made us very unhappy. Sometimes I think that we want to be lovable even more than we want to be loved. If this were not so, why should so many have a problem about believing that they are loved and resist just accepting that fact, still focusing on whether they are worthy or lovable? And why should well-meaning preachers feel it important to reassure them that they are lovable “in God’s eyes,” or that God “makes them to be lovable”? Jesus seems to me to be saying, “Forget all that. Stop being anxious about such things. It’s unnecessary. My Father doesn’t work that way.” If we could really accept that, think what a relief it would be.
Third, when we in turn love other people, we must do it the same way God loves us, without regard to whether they deserve it or not. Please notice that this means that we are not to say to ourselves, “I love so-and-so, even though he doesn’t deserve it.” Or, “The X’s are my enemies, but nevertheless I love them.” It means that we are to break all connection between the notion of “deserving” and the act of loving.
[Beatrice Bruteau, Radical Optimism: Rooting Ourselves in Reality (New York: Crossroad Publishing, 1993).]
For Reflection:
o Spend a moment reflecting on the relationship between loving and being lovable. It seems as if being lovable entails making myself the kind of person who will be loved. What does it mean for me to become lovable in order to be in relationship with God?
o Authentic love does not say, “I love you because. . . .” This is so-called “love” that originates in the worthiness of the recipient.
o Neither does authentic love say, “I love you despite. . . .” This is a statement that conditions love on the “unworthiness” of the recipient.
o Authentic love does not qualify its love, but simply says, “I love . . . period.”
o Is there a particular act of love to which I will commit myself as my Lenten practice?
Friday after Ash Wednesday – February 28, 2020
Being lovable – the kind of person who will be loved – takes immense energy and attention. Humans of all cultures and races spend themselves on that which will cause them to be worthy of love in their particular context.
The radical notion of grace and God is that we are loved just as we are. We cannot do anything to be loved more. We cannot do anything to be loved less.
This notion is radical because it is a complete game-changer. If we could integrate this truth, letting it seep deep into our beings, we would cease playing so many of the self-referenced games we engage in moment by moment . . . the attention-getting games . . . the games in which we must pretty-up both our exterior (physical appearance) and our interior (secret and hidden) world . . . our fears of being unnoticed and underappreciated.
Again, read what Beatrice Bruteau wrote about loving and being lovable:
All this means three interesting things. First, we have no ground for feeling that God doesn’t love us because we’re not worthy. There is no connection between being loved by God and being in any degree worthy or unworthy.
Second, we may release our interest in, and desire for, being worthy, lovable, desirable. This has been a big item in our psychology, not to say our economic and social life, and has mostly made us very unhappy. Sometimes I think that we want to be lovable even more than we want to be loved. If this were not so, why should so many have a problem about believing that they are loved and resist just accepting that fact, still focusing on whether they are worthy or lovable? And why should well-meaning preachers feel it important to reassure them that they are lovable “in God’s eyes,” or that God “makes them to be lovable”? Jesus seems to me to be saying, “Forget all that. Stop being anxious about such things. It’s unnecessary. My Father doesn’t work that way.” If we could really accept that, think what a relief it would be.
Third, when we in turn love other people, we must do it the same way God loves us, without regard to whether they deserve it or not. Please notice that this means that we are not to say to ourselves, “I love so-and-so, even though he doesn’t deserve it.” Or, “The X’s are my enemies, but nevertheless I love them.” It means that we are to break all connection between the notion of “deserving” and the act of loving.
[Beatrice Bruteau, Radical Optimism: Rooting Ourselves in Reality (New York: Crossroad Publishing, 1993).]
For Reflection:
o Spend a moment reflecting on the relationship between loving and being lovable. It seems as if being lovable entails making myself the kind of person who will be loved. What does it mean for me to become lovable in order to be in relationship with God?
o Authentic love does not say, “I love you because. . . .” This is so-called “love” that originates in the worthiness of the recipient.
o Neither does authentic love say, “I love you despite. . . .” This is a statement that conditions love on the “unworthiness” of the recipient.
o Authentic love does not qualify its love, but simply says, “I love . . . period.”
o Is there a particular act of love to which I will commit myself as my Lenten practice?
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